“I’m with you in Rockland
in my dreams you walk dripping from a sea-journey on the highway across America in tears to the door of my cottage in the Western night”—Allen Ginsberg, from Howl (thanks, skippingthesurface)
day 7. bit of a tricky and miserable one but i remain both perseverant and sober.
so tonight was my first meeting and, as expected, it was really really difficult. i was on the verge of tears the entire time, which was three hours. but it was encouraging. and sort of heartbreaking, because i had to write about who i’d hurt through my drinking and it brought all these horrible memories crashing back, the ones i’d had to fight to block out last week.
also it was weird and awful seeing all these people who had clearly struggled/were struggling with drugs & drink take pity on me. it’s one thing being semi-conscious and self-harming with a paramedic leaning over and saying it, but on a nice regular day when i’ve been sober for a week and haven’t deliberately self-destructed for far longer than that, the last thing i want is a lifelong cocaine addict telling me i look really ill.
i have sessions with various counselors tomorrow, wednesday, thursday and saturday. and then the cycle starts again next monday. not 100% sure where i’m going to find the time for uni/friends/sleep with all of this. but then again i guess i have all this free drinking time going spare and god knows i don’t sleep anyway.
but fuck it. i’m a week sober and tomorrow i’ll wake up feeling a) better than i do right now and b) not hungover. and these are two things i could not have said eight days ago. so, mission accomplished. yeahhh.
so the meeting today went alright. cosmo seems lovely, and unlike any of the other psychiatrists/generally helpful people i’ve worked with before he’s a recovered alcoholic himself so he gets it. i thought i was doing a pretty good job of seeming balanced and normal until he asked me a series of yes/no questions that, like the good person i am, i answered honestly and got 11/18. turns out anything above 6 means you’re probably an alcoholic. hm.
at the end of the session he told me he would be happy for me to be on the course (which is 14 weeks long, three sessions a week) but that i’d have to stay clean for at least that entire time, apart from prescription meds. three months. i wanted to break down and cry in his office.
managed to keep it together for the rest of the session though, and then walking to the station with a cigarette a man outside the pharmacy approached me with a leaflet urging me to quit smoking. he backed off pretty quick when i wailed “it’s all i have left!” and scarpered off.
so yeah, i feel shit. but in a sort of good way, because i know that at least i’m actually doing something constructive right now. i hope.
day one of sobriety. this is the third day one i’ve had in two weeks. still, it’s a working process and i’m working damn hard. trying to keep myself busy by re-decorating my room and re-learning guitar. the guitar’s going well… the room’s still a bit of a tip, not going to lie.
jeff was fucking brilliant tonight. small candlelit church filled with people singing along to an acoustic version of king of carrot flowers= me grinning like an idiot.
the plan was to wait around after and try and get him to sign my vinyl copy of aeroplane over the sea but there were so many die-hard NMH fans there that i would have been waiting hours to meet him- if he was even sticking around to chat afterwards- and i was exhausted. plus i have lectures tomorrow.
oh, and i finally watched v for vendetta today. everyone assumes i saw it ages ago because around june i shaved all my hair off and people thought it was an homage to natalie portman’s character. but it wasn’t!!!!